Because He is my Shepherd
A year ago this time we had just found out we were expecting, and twins at
that. “Wait! Us? Parents?! Can this be happening??” The dust from the excitement
hardly had time to settle before we found out that something
had gone wrong and we had miscarried.
That was a year ago.
In one sense it feels like it happened so incredibly long ago…almost as if it was only a bad dream. In another sense, my life has been forever changed by those two little ones that God appointed to live for only a few short weeks.
Sometimes I cannot help but think of what would have been…that they would be close to 4 months old already. What would life be like with two boys, or two girls, or a boy and a girl in our family? What would we have named them? How would life look like if we were a family of four right now? And I probably would hardly remember what it feels like to have a normal night of sleep.
But thinking of “what could have been's” is utterly futile and only makes me sadder. No matter how much I wish we could have our little ones back, they won’t come back. That's all there is to it. But, I can choose how I am going to respond to this.
I won’t deny that it is this very thing--the choice I have-- that is a huge struggle…it is a struggle that goes on in the mind where thoughts are so fleeting and ambiguous that it is hard to even keep them under control.
Anyway, as this past year has come and gone, here are a few things I’ve been learning as I try to come to grips with how this all is supposed to bring glory to God:
1. God is not bad because He has allowed something that, to us, seems bad.
A religious article in the newspaper recently declared that “that which is not good is not of God.” WRONG! Nowhere has God promised a life free of suffering, especially for the believer. Not only that, but Paul once called an instance of suffering in his life as an opportunity to experience the grace of God and for "the power of God to rest upon him." Difficult situations in life may seem bad, but they are not in vain or without purpose {even though it may be difficult to see that purpose while we're here on earth.} If ever there was a time when I've been in need of the assurance that God is good--always good--it has been this past year...
2. God’s Word is precious.
If we are to begin to understand the pain of loss, we must personally know the One who has allowed it all in the first place. Only in Scripture do we find specific revelation about God, the Sovereign over all creation. It is only in Scripture that we learn of His character, He ways in the past, and the promises of the future that we cling to. I am thankful for the Spirit working to give better understanding of God's character through His Word.
3. Pain makes us vulnerable.
When I say vulnerable, I mean that it breaks down some of the walls of self-righteousness of having life all together and shows us how much we really need Him in order to get through it. It has made me realize that the only way the pain is ever going to go away is if God does it...because I sure can't make it happen...
4. Pain gives us a choice.
And that choice is how we’re going to respond to the given situation: Are we going to allow our pain to be the avenue for God to get the glory or are we going to charge God as having done foolishly and become cold and hard towards Him and those around us? This choice isn’t just a one-time decision; rather, it is a daily, minute-by-minute choice to prize the riches of God’s promises, and keep our eyes on the Savior instead of to believe Satan’s lies and wallow in our circumstances.
5. God does give comfort.
Before our miscarriage, the mere thought of the possibility was enough to overwhelm me with despair. But I didn’t need the comfort or the grace then. However, when it did happened, He gave grace and comfort in simple and specific ways…but not before I needed it. God in His perfect timing brought along a friend here and a bouquet of flowers there to remind me that He does care and see. He made the Psalms come alive with declarations of His goodness and lovingkindness. He caused people who were mere acquaintances at best to give encouragement. He made tears flow out of thankfulness and praise at the reminder from a song that God can still be trusted in the valley. He caused my path to cross with those who could speak comfort from God’s Word instead of worldly wisdom.
Yes, God gives comfort. Don’t ever doubt it.
6. God is the source of all joy.
Sometimes I wonder if life will ever be the same again or if I will ever be able to view life without having a miscarriage filter. It has been slow progress, but I cling to the promise that God desires His children to be full of joy as they walk with Him. I hold tight to the Psalmist’s declaration that joy comes in the morning and that He turns mourning into dancing. And ultimately, I have the hope of heaven where all tears will be wiped away by God Himself and He will be with us and will be our God. Wow.
Yes, it has been a long year filled with many tears, but I am thankful to the One who is my Shepherd who provides for my every need. He is the One who makes me lie down in green pastures and leads me by the still waters. He is the One who restores my soul and leads me down righteous paths for the sake of His name and glory. He is the One who dispels all fear, despite the valley of shadows, and gives comfort. He is the One who makes my cup run over with incredible blessings. He is the One who follows me with goodness and mercy each day of my life and gives the sure hope of dwelling in His presence for all eternity!
That was a year ago.
In one sense it feels like it happened so incredibly long ago…almost as if it was only a bad dream. In another sense, my life has been forever changed by those two little ones that God appointed to live for only a few short weeks.
Sometimes I cannot help but think of what would have been…that they would be close to 4 months old already. What would life be like with two boys, or two girls, or a boy and a girl in our family? What would we have named them? How would life look like if we were a family of four right now? And I probably would hardly remember what it feels like to have a normal night of sleep.
But thinking of “what could have been's” is utterly futile and only makes me sadder. No matter how much I wish we could have our little ones back, they won’t come back. That's all there is to it. But, I can choose how I am going to respond to this.
I won’t deny that it is this very thing--the choice I have-- that is a huge struggle…it is a struggle that goes on in the mind where thoughts are so fleeting and ambiguous that it is hard to even keep them under control.
Anyway, as this past year has come and gone, here are a few things I’ve been learning as I try to come to grips with how this all is supposed to bring glory to God:
1. God is not bad because He has allowed something that, to us, seems bad.
A religious article in the newspaper recently declared that “that which is not good is not of God.” WRONG! Nowhere has God promised a life free of suffering, especially for the believer. Not only that, but Paul once called an instance of suffering in his life as an opportunity to experience the grace of God and for "the power of God to rest upon him." Difficult situations in life may seem bad, but they are not in vain or without purpose {even though it may be difficult to see that purpose while we're here on earth.} If ever there was a time when I've been in need of the assurance that God is good--always good--it has been this past year...
2. God’s Word is precious.
If we are to begin to understand the pain of loss, we must personally know the One who has allowed it all in the first place. Only in Scripture do we find specific revelation about God, the Sovereign over all creation. It is only in Scripture that we learn of His character, He ways in the past, and the promises of the future that we cling to. I am thankful for the Spirit working to give better understanding of God's character through His Word.
3. Pain makes us vulnerable.
When I say vulnerable, I mean that it breaks down some of the walls of self-righteousness of having life all together and shows us how much we really need Him in order to get through it. It has made me realize that the only way the pain is ever going to go away is if God does it...because I sure can't make it happen...
4. Pain gives us a choice.
And that choice is how we’re going to respond to the given situation: Are we going to allow our pain to be the avenue for God to get the glory or are we going to charge God as having done foolishly and become cold and hard towards Him and those around us? This choice isn’t just a one-time decision; rather, it is a daily, minute-by-minute choice to prize the riches of God’s promises, and keep our eyes on the Savior instead of to believe Satan’s lies and wallow in our circumstances.
5. God does give comfort.
Before our miscarriage, the mere thought of the possibility was enough to overwhelm me with despair. But I didn’t need the comfort or the grace then. However, when it did happened, He gave grace and comfort in simple and specific ways…but not before I needed it. God in His perfect timing brought along a friend here and a bouquet of flowers there to remind me that He does care and see. He made the Psalms come alive with declarations of His goodness and lovingkindness. He caused people who were mere acquaintances at best to give encouragement. He made tears flow out of thankfulness and praise at the reminder from a song that God can still be trusted in the valley. He caused my path to cross with those who could speak comfort from God’s Word instead of worldly wisdom.
Yes, God gives comfort. Don’t ever doubt it.
6. God is the source of all joy.
Sometimes I wonder if life will ever be the same again or if I will ever be able to view life without having a miscarriage filter. It has been slow progress, but I cling to the promise that God desires His children to be full of joy as they walk with Him. I hold tight to the Psalmist’s declaration that joy comes in the morning and that He turns mourning into dancing. And ultimately, I have the hope of heaven where all tears will be wiped away by God Himself and He will be with us and will be our God. Wow.
Yes, it has been a long year filled with many tears, but I am thankful to the One who is my Shepherd who provides for my every need. He is the One who makes me lie down in green pastures and leads me by the still waters. He is the One who restores my soul and leads me down righteous paths for the sake of His name and glory. He is the One who dispels all fear, despite the valley of shadows, and gives comfort. He is the One who makes my cup run over with incredible blessings. He is the One who follows me with goodness and mercy each day of my life and gives the sure hope of dwelling in His presence for all eternity!
thanks for sharing, Angie!
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