In the meantime

The announcement that they were expecting was adorable. The added twist in the announcement saying that they were expecting twins made it even more delightful, for it is not every day that the Facebook algorithm brings up a "we're expecting twins" announcement! I'm truly happy for the couple who is now awaiting the arrival of not one, but two precious little ones!  But along with the joy in my heart came a twinge of sadness: my heart couldn't help but think back to the time, four years ago now in March, when we were also expecting twins. The thrill of finding out we were expecting was only heightened by the discovery that there were two! For somewhere between 5 1/2 and 12 weeks, I carried our two little treasures, created in God's image and precious in His sight.  But then there was no more growth. There was no more life. The twins were no longer with us. God had taken them from us.  In these bittersweet moments of joy tarnished by sadness, Scrip...

Within a few weeks, my world went from ecstatic joy at the news that we were expecting twins to devastating grief when the ultrasound technician said there were no heartbeats nor had there been any growth since our last ultrasound a few weeks earlier.  Is this really happening to us?  That evening, the awful event of miscarriage confirmed the technician‘s diagnosis. Our miscarriage was emotionally and spiritually crushing. Days turned into weeks, and then into months, and I was emotionally and spiritually lower than I had ever been in my life.  At times, t he grief practically choked me of the very air I breathed.  I was desperate for some form of comfort to revive my grief-stricken, joy-suffocated soul. “How in the world am I to deal with this?”    “Where do I turn for comfort ?” "How do I even move forward in life?" “Lord, help me!”  was my constant cry.  God heard my desperate pleas, and in His goodness ...

My last post Miscarriage, part 1: When Your Friend Has One gave a few ideas on how to minister to your friend who has gone through a miscarriage.  However, because of the statistics, it is likely you yourself may have also had a miscarriage.  In this post, I’d like to share a couple things that were extremely helpful to me as I've worked through losing our twins 1.  Music  I don’t know about you, but music is a incredible balm for my soul. Shortly after our miscarriage, several songs became very special to me, for they reminded me of Who my God is.  Those songs, along with some select albums, are now part of a playlist labeled “Angie’s List.”  {haha, yes, I know…so original!}  I like to think of those songs as my go-to songs to help “lift my eyes to my Savior” when the emotions flood my soul or when I am tempted to wallow in a private pity party.  That list has ...

While this blog doesn’t have a strict purpose or subject, it does, admittedly, have frequent posts about my journey down the road of having gone through a miscarriage.  In some ways, writing here helps me work through it in my own heart. Because miscarriage is so incredibly common , chances are you either know someone who has had one or you have had one yourself.  I’d like to share a few practical things those around me did that God used to be an encouragement to me when He called me and Isaac to walk this path.  While there are many, many practical ways to do this, my list is just what I personally experienced to be helpful. Hopefully it can be helpful to you in knowing how to interact with a friend who has had a miscarriage. 1.  Say something .  We’ve all had those thoughts of I don’t really know what to say   when someone we know is grieving the loss of a loved one.   The temptation to just not say anything is g...

The three-year mark since our miscarriage has come and gone.  It kind of surprised me that I didn’t notice the date until after it was past.  I guess that must be an indication that the pain is easing and thoughts of the twins isn’t at the forefront of my mind every. single. day. like it used to be.  I know having Talitha around has helped with that...  And yet thoughts about it still often swirl around in my mind.  We recently read Revelation 4. Verse 11 stood out to me in a unique way:  “ Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created. ” As I thought about this verse again today, it brings a measure of encouragement to the miscarriage conversation:  Even when in pro-life circles, there is an {unintentional and subconscious}  tendency to send the message that an under-developed baby that is ...

I cannot begin to tell you how much it thrills my heart to see Talitha smile at me, to snuggle with her, to watch her sleeping face, to hear her giggle, and to see her wiggle all over on the floor.  We are so blessed to have Talitha with us.  God is so incredibly good to us.  Being a mom has been one of the most wonderful and most difficult experiences of my life. Perhaps having Talitha has also helped ease some of the pain of our miscarriage, as in some ways, we have "moved past" the will we ever hold a baby of our own in our arms?  question.  At least we know that {maybe} we were just another couple that fits into the "first babies are often miscarried" statistic.  I don't know...   Whatever the case, I came across the following post on Lessons from Suffering in Life  in my draft archive the other day and finally feel like I can post it.  I post these not because I feel like I've mastered these lessons but because I need to be ...

I sat there in the recliner, holding my Little Girl.  She had been crying, hysterically so, with giant crocodile tears welling up in her eyes.  I picked her up. She stopped crying. She was crying for Mommy. Wait a minute…     She was crying for Me .      I’m her Mommy. And then, while Talitha snuggled up with me, I was the one crying. They were mostly tears of joy, tears of overwhelming thankfulness to God for giving us our Talitha. But there were also tears because I missed ever getting to hold our Twins, tears because of all of the “what could have beens.” But in the end, there were tears because I know God is good and He does bring “joy in the morning,” despite the sorrow in the night. Last week at the local MOPS-equivalent get-together, a couple ladies shared on Infant Loss Awareness Day. Yes, it has been like almost three years since we miscarried, but as one of the...

Some of you may be wondering why I can’t seem to get off this subject.  Let me tell you why miscarriage comes up every so often: The dynamics of a miscarriage and every other kind of infant loss mark you in a way like very few things in life do.  It was a real baby, made in God's image, no matter how small, no matter how undeveloped.  There is an unexplainable emotional connection, particularly for the mom.  Many times the grieving is a private affair, with few people even aware of what has happened. And those are just a few of the most obvious dynamics that make infant loss so hard.... For me, this has been a season of silent sorrow unlike anything else I’ve experienced. It has only been very recently that I’m finally beginning to feel like I’m no longer incredibly vulnerable and a bundle of emotions.  I think I am slowly starting to move on. It has also been a season of growth that wouldn’t have happened except...

A year ago this time we had just found out we were expecting, and twins at that. “Wait! Us? Parents?! Can this be happening??”   The dust from the excitement hardly had time to settle before we found out that something had gone wrong and we had miscarried. That was a year ago. In one sense it feels like it happened so incredibly long ago…almost as if it was only a bad dream.  In another sense, my life has been forever changed by those two little ones that God appointed to live for only a few short weeks.  Sometimes I cannot help but think of what would have been…that they would be close to 4 months old already. What would life be like with two boys, or two girls, or a boy and a girl in our family?  What would we have named them? How would life look like if we were a family of four right now?  And I probably would hardly remember what it feels like to have a normal night of sleep. But thinking of “what could have been's” is utterly futi...

October 15 was Pregnancy and  Infant Loss Awareness Day.  I don’t really have much of anything eloquent or profound to say in light of it, as on one hand, dozens of emotions  are forever crowding my mind, making it hard to even know where to start. On the other hand, I feel empty and dried up, with no more emotions to be had…. Anyway, I do want to share something someone else has already said that is way better than anything I could ever say.  Here’s for you moms out there who know the pain and sorrow of losing a child: Be encouraged--it is only a temporary pain, even if it lasts a lifetime. We have a much greater hope and glory to look forward to!  “Every heart knows its own bitterness, and every heart has bitterness to know.  Sin must bring sorrow—tears are the inheritance of earth’s children;  but in the city to which we are going ‘God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying,...

Jessalyn Hutto has been through two miscarriages.  She understands the pain.  She has also learned where to find true comfort. Her article on knowing God  outlines some docrintal truths about God that give comfort and strength when life hits you hard and you don't know where to turn.  Be encouraged and delight in His goodness!

Here is part two of When God Gives and Takes .  (Read part one here .) ************* I think of that passage in Corinthians about God being the God of comfort and His comfort then being the avenue for us to then comfort others.  In the days soon after our miscarriage, I clung to this statement of incredible truth about God.  He said He would comfort.  I can trust Him to do it here. Now. In the days to come.  In some way, in some very real, tangible way, He will give comfort to my aching soul in this time of need.  And He did comfort and continues to comfort.   Day by day, moment by moment, at each moment of great need, His comfort has come in many ways…His Word, prayer, my husband, friends and family, songs…the list could go on.  Being comforted with God’s comfort doesn’t mean the pain goes away or that tears instantly dry up.  It doesn’t mean all questions have been answered.   But in some strange way, pain and ensuing comfort...

 When it comes to the difficulties and struggles in life, I’m not necessarily one to wear my heart on my sleeve or spill all my guts for the world to read, but this post is the first of two posts talking about our pregnancy, miscarriage, and how God is bringing us--me--through it.  In a way, there’s been healing in writing it down, so maybe I’m writing more for my sake than for any of you readers.  In it all, blessed be the name of the Lord.  **************** It’s been over 3 months now.  Sometimes I think I’m over the grief, tears, and emptiness… and then all the emotions come rushing back, as if it all just happened yesterday…. Our two little ones:  precious gifts from God for just a few weeks.   They were so tiny and under-developed, yet created in His image and beloved, fearfully and wonderfully made.  Who would have thought that someone so small--someone we never  even got to meet--would claim our hearts and love so fast?  Who ...