Miscarriage, part 1: When Your Friend Has One
While this blog doesn’t have a strict purpose or subject, it does,
admittedly, have frequent posts about my journey down the road of having gone
through a miscarriage. In some ways, writing here helps me work through it in
my own heart.
Because miscarriage is so incredibly common, chances are you either know someone who has had one or you have had one yourself. I’d like to share a few practical things those around me did that God used to be an encouragement to me when He called me and Isaac to walk this path. While there are many, many practical ways to do this, my list is just what I personally experienced to be helpful. Hopefully it can be helpful to you in knowing how to interact with a friend who has had a miscarriage.
1. Say something.
We’ve all had those thoughts of I don’t really know what to say when someone we know is grieving the loss of a loved one. The temptation to just not say anything is great. When it is a miscarriage, the temptation to not say anything is even greater. For some mysterious reason, the situation just seems incredibly awkward and tricky. And we don’t want to make things more difficult than they are. So “mums the word” often becomes the default course of action.
I’m learning, however, that we tend to over-analyse the need to have the perfect words of encouragement to say to our friend who has miscarried. Because of this tendency, we often fail to see the huge opportunity to show love and care in a simple way.
When a friend loses a Little One, the glaring need at hand is not to be the one to speak the words that will magically soothe and ease all pain. Rather, it is to simply extend encouragement and comfort by showing your friend you are there for her. In many cases, this action comes in the form of saying something…anything.
In fact, it’s ok to stumble with the words, even as they come out of your mouth. It’s ok to be honest that you don’t really understanding what they’re going through. It’s ok to keep it simple. It’s even ok to say “I don’t really know what to say.”
But please say something.
Yes, it might be awkward, but please, say something. Even the words “I don’t know what to say” can be some of the sweetest words to the ears of one who has lost their baby—that baby that was fearfully and wonderfully made in God’s sight, even in its most undeveloped and unperfected state. If it has been months or even years since your friend has miscarried, it isn’t too late to express your care for them and acknowledge that the baby’s life mattered.
Saying something is one of the most significant, yet simple, ways to do that.
2. Be willing to just listen.
This one comes on the heels of the last point, because for some reason, the topic of miscarriage is kind of hush hush… no one talks about it…at least not very openly. While there may be many reasons for this, I think it is mostly because people don’t know how to react to a miscarriage—they don’t know if the mom wants to talk about it, or if it will make her cry, or if it’s too personal of a topic to bring up, and so on.
However, I don’t think it is too broad of a generalization to say that most of us who have gone through it do want to talk about it.
Yes, there probably will be tears, even if it happened years ago.
Yes, it is an intensely personal subject.
But we want to talk about the precious life (or lives) that changed our lives forever.
The day after our miscarriage, one friend asked if she could come over and just be with me, since I was home alone for the day. She brought something hot for us to drink, and we sat on the couch and just hung out for the afternoon. It was a simple action, but it still means the world to me that she was willing to give of her time just to sit with me during those lonely hours immediately following our miscarriage.
Another friend, despite having her own burden that God has called her to bear, wasn’t afraid to ask me, even months later, how I was doing with it all. In so doing, she provided me with rare opportunities to talk about it. And then she listened while I talked. She was such an amazing blessing from God.
Don’t be afraid to be the one to bring up the subject.
3. Pray for them and send a card.
If you don’t live nearby, do something to express that you care in some other form—send a card, or a text, or a special song via Amazon, or flowers, or a care box with some special dark chocolate. Even if the person isn’t a close friend, if you feel led to send something, don’t hestitate to act on it: Small actions mean a lot!
When we miscarried, we received numerous cards from people we had met maybe once before, if that, but they wanted us to know that they were praying for us. It was just the other day that I cleaned out some drawers and came across that small stack of cards, stored away for safe-keeping. I read them all over again and was reminded anew of the very specific way God poured out on our hearts grace, strength, and comfort through those cards.
4. Remember dates.
Some people are more emotional about dates than others, but when that calendar date comes around, it can be hard. Mother’s Day can also be a lonely day. Send a text or give her a hug the next time you see her. Let your friend know you’re thinking of her.
5. Be an encouragement when there’s a new pregnancy.
Finding out that we were pregnant again was one of most exciting things ever: we’re going to have a baby!
But I distinctly remember one day at work soon after we found out: Maybe we had already told our family that we were expecting, but if we had, they were the only ones who knew. Whatever the case, I was terrified—absolutely terrified that it would happen again.
I had to share this burden of panic with someone.
And I had to do it now.
I hid in the bathroom for privacy and pounded out a desperate text to a friend, telling her we were expecting and then begging her to pray that God would give peace and a quiet trust in Him, despite my fear that the worst would again happen.
It was a subtle yet certain comfort to know that not only was she rejoicing with me with the news, but
she was also praying.
A new pregnancy is an incredible rollercoaster ride of emotions for the mom--emotions about the past pregnancy, emotions about the new pregnancy, emotions about so many what-could-have-beens, emotions about the what-might-yet-be’s.
Let your friend know that you’re rejoicing with her, but that you haven’t forgotten about the past.
Pray for your friend. Pray for the life of the new Little One. Pray for a confidence in God’s sovereignty and goodness, no matter what. Pray for a peace that surpasses all understanding. And pray that the Lord would deem it to be a good gift to grant your friend the gift of holding her baby, alive and healthy.
And there you have it. I hope this post doesn’t come across as a checklist of some sort, but rather that it has served to be a helpful list of ways to reach out and be a blessing to your friend.
Because miscarriage is so incredibly common, chances are you either know someone who has had one or you have had one yourself. I’d like to share a few practical things those around me did that God used to be an encouragement to me when He called me and Isaac to walk this path. While there are many, many practical ways to do this, my list is just what I personally experienced to be helpful. Hopefully it can be helpful to you in knowing how to interact with a friend who has had a miscarriage.
1. Say something.
We’ve all had those thoughts of I don’t really know what to say when someone we know is grieving the loss of a loved one. The temptation to just not say anything is great. When it is a miscarriage, the temptation to not say anything is even greater. For some mysterious reason, the situation just seems incredibly awkward and tricky. And we don’t want to make things more difficult than they are. So “mums the word” often becomes the default course of action.
I’m learning, however, that we tend to over-analyse the need to have the perfect words of encouragement to say to our friend who has miscarried. Because of this tendency, we often fail to see the huge opportunity to show love and care in a simple way.
When a friend loses a Little One, the glaring need at hand is not to be the one to speak the words that will magically soothe and ease all pain. Rather, it is to simply extend encouragement and comfort by showing your friend you are there for her. In many cases, this action comes in the form of saying something…anything.
In fact, it’s ok to stumble with the words, even as they come out of your mouth. It’s ok to be honest that you don’t really understanding what they’re going through. It’s ok to keep it simple. It’s even ok to say “I don’t really know what to say.”
But please say something.
Yes, it might be awkward, but please, say something. Even the words “I don’t know what to say” can be some of the sweetest words to the ears of one who has lost their baby—that baby that was fearfully and wonderfully made in God’s sight, even in its most undeveloped and unperfected state. If it has been months or even years since your friend has miscarried, it isn’t too late to express your care for them and acknowledge that the baby’s life mattered.
Saying something is one of the most significant, yet simple, ways to do that.
2. Be willing to just listen.
This one comes on the heels of the last point, because for some reason, the topic of miscarriage is kind of hush hush… no one talks about it…at least not very openly. While there may be many reasons for this, I think it is mostly because people don’t know how to react to a miscarriage—they don’t know if the mom wants to talk about it, or if it will make her cry, or if it’s too personal of a topic to bring up, and so on.
However, I don’t think it is too broad of a generalization to say that most of us who have gone through it do want to talk about it.
Yes, there probably will be tears, even if it happened years ago.
Yes, it is an intensely personal subject.
But we want to talk about the precious life (or lives) that changed our lives forever.
The day after our miscarriage, one friend asked if she could come over and just be with me, since I was home alone for the day. She brought something hot for us to drink, and we sat on the couch and just hung out for the afternoon. It was a simple action, but it still means the world to me that she was willing to give of her time just to sit with me during those lonely hours immediately following our miscarriage.
Another friend, despite having her own burden that God has called her to bear, wasn’t afraid to ask me, even months later, how I was doing with it all. In so doing, she provided me with rare opportunities to talk about it. And then she listened while I talked. She was such an amazing blessing from God.
Don’t be afraid to be the one to bring up the subject.
3. Pray for them and send a card.
If you don’t live nearby, do something to express that you care in some other form—send a card, or a text, or a special song via Amazon, or flowers, or a care box with some special dark chocolate. Even if the person isn’t a close friend, if you feel led to send something, don’t hestitate to act on it: Small actions mean a lot!
When we miscarried, we received numerous cards from people we had met maybe once before, if that, but they wanted us to know that they were praying for us. It was just the other day that I cleaned out some drawers and came across that small stack of cards, stored away for safe-keeping. I read them all over again and was reminded anew of the very specific way God poured out on our hearts grace, strength, and comfort through those cards.
4. Remember dates.
Some people are more emotional about dates than others, but when that calendar date comes around, it can be hard. Mother’s Day can also be a lonely day. Send a text or give her a hug the next time you see her. Let your friend know you’re thinking of her.
5. Be an encouragement when there’s a new pregnancy.
Finding out that we were pregnant again was one of most exciting things ever: we’re going to have a baby!
But I distinctly remember one day at work soon after we found out: Maybe we had already told our family that we were expecting, but if we had, they were the only ones who knew. Whatever the case, I was terrified—absolutely terrified that it would happen again.
I had to share this burden of panic with someone.
And I had to do it now.
I hid in the bathroom for privacy and pounded out a desperate text to a friend, telling her we were expecting and then begging her to pray that God would give peace and a quiet trust in Him, despite my fear that the worst would again happen.
It was a subtle yet certain comfort to know that not only was she rejoicing with me with the news, but
she was also praying.
A new pregnancy is an incredible rollercoaster ride of emotions for the mom--emotions about the past pregnancy, emotions about the new pregnancy, emotions about so many what-could-have-beens, emotions about the what-might-yet-be’s.
Let your friend know that you’re rejoicing with her, but that you haven’t forgotten about the past.
Pray for your friend. Pray for the life of the new Little One. Pray for a confidence in God’s sovereignty and goodness, no matter what. Pray for a peace that surpasses all understanding. And pray that the Lord would deem it to be a good gift to grant your friend the gift of holding her baby, alive and healthy.
And there you have it. I hope this post doesn’t come across as a checklist of some sort, but rather that it has served to be a helpful list of ways to reach out and be a blessing to your friend.
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